1. Obesity
photo by Malingering
This is a favorite investment strategy of many Americans. At great risk to their own health and other peoples well being, many people choose to store their hard earned dollars on their hips, cheeks and arm flaps.
The unfortunate side effect is increased global warming, as all the cows they digest fart the planet into heating itself (cow farts).
2. Buy an Iraqi Oil Field
Everyone can now buy an Oil Field or two:
Iraqi Oil Fields open to bidders (CNN)
Why worry about rising energy cost when YOU could be making tons of money with it. Forget about the puny little discussion about drilling offshore and get the Oil directly from the Middle East. Secure your claim NOW!
3. Become a Gun Dealer
Hell yeah, f*** the liberals. Lets all be like “Lord of War”. I am not a big Nicholas Cage fan, but that movie really showed us the way. What a visionary ! And now that we finally kicked the liberal law and we are back to our 217 year old laws (who needs to evolve, right champs!), we should be able to put a gun in the hand of every crack dealer and pimp needing protection. These guys seem to thin so:
New England gun makers hail Supreme Court ruling
I think we can greatly undercut competition and import some guns from Russia and China.
It is also remarkable to notice that our beautiful model is already investing in strategy number 1. A role model for all of you stay at home moms!
(photo by mollyeh11)
4. Open a Guinea Pig Restaurant
(photo by shhexycorin)
Alpaca farming was yesterday. Forget about wool from Peruvian Alpacas and be one of the first to start the new trend from South America. Guinea Pigs are nutritious and thanks to recession overly abundant in pet stores. Start your own Guinea Pig restaurant and be one of the first to cash in on the new fashion trend.
5. Rice
(photo by Ace D ‘ace’ Alwin)
Invest in Rice! Check the recent development of Rice on the global markets and you will realize that the price has nearly tippled. There is no end in sight and the price of rice will keep going up and if it does not, you can still eat your investment. What other investment does nourish you during bad times? Essentially you cannot go wrong. Either sell the rice back to the market or live off it.
6. Anything i….
image by davemc500hats
We all know how insanely manipulative the Apple Marketing Machine is. Observing the long lines in front of ALL apple stores whenever Steve farts, convinces us that there is no recession in the Apple fairyland. Apple fans will sell their grandmother (since geeks have no girlfriends whatsoever to trick out) to buy the latest upgrade to whatever shiny toy is new and bears the logo of a half eaten apple.
7. Farming
photo by Will Merydith
Rising Food prices, threads of starvation, Corn for Fuel, Cow Farts. We are bullish on everything related for farming. So whip out your shovels and turn your flower beds into money producing fields. With so much money growing in your back yard you will be out of the rat race in no time and enjoying the livestyle you always dreamed about.
8. Milk Geeks, Teenagers and Children
Geeks have loose wallets, or how else can it be explained that:
U.S. video game sales are up or Batman is biggest debut ever
The Apple story already proofs that geeks have bottomless wallets when it comes to their toys (including video games). They rather stick to ramen noodles for months, eath of the Dollar Menu and do not pay Mom rent for the basement for another year. Mom always understands to make her 30 year old baby happy.
Children are very persistant too, especially when it comes to asking dad for money for toys. No matter if Dad will default on his mortgage or work another shift. He isn’t a real man if he cannot provide the very best for his little miss sunshine or his little sunny boy. We all understand this and salute to all the hard working Dads out there, while we figure out yet another irresistable kids toy.
9. Screw Investing …
McCain
I mean if even the presidential candidate of the republican party John McCain can get his fat social security check, why shouldn’t we. It’s all about finding loopholes to cheat the system. Why else are honest hard working people paying trillions to keep the system afloat. Worse comes to worse, we can always increase our foreign trade deficit to finance this as we always have. Let our children worry about repaying this enormous pile of money or simply drive up inflation a few more points once our creditors ask for their money back.
John McCain who is a regular reader of this blog does not mind us spilling the beans and giving away his secret to success. He figures he is either going to be president and untouchable or won’t live long enough to see any negatives from his mooching.
10. Sue someone
The american dream is to exploit someone’s success by suing the hell out of them and then taking that money to exploit others. Moloching 40 hours every week, I have forgotten the exact words, but thats pretty much what I remember. Most of you would probably try to find some ridiculously funny claim and a blood sucking lawyer and sue some successful company. But thats just wrong. Let me tell you how the game is played.
First you find some puny little business or person. Someone helpless who cannot afford to fight back and then you sue them:
Judge sues dry cleaner over lost pants (demanding $67 million)
Basically you can blame anyone for your own stupidity:
Janitor sues after falling off ladder (he didn’t receive adequate training)
I hope this poofs that you do not need to worry about recession, downturn or layoffs. You can easily get rid of your old 9-5 lifestyle and do something really exciting while raking in some money on the side.
(photo by ephien)
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